I originally wrote this rather lengthy blog entry for a social networking site for stroke survivors. It is offered here as an illustration of the Taoist proverb of a wise man who withholds judgment of whether events are positive or negative and waits to witness the truth of their unfolding. It tells the story of my stroke and how it changed everything… for the better.

In the pre-dawn hours of Sunday October 23, 2016, while vacationing with my family at a beach house on the sands of Ventura’s Pier Pont, I awoke and discovered my entire right side was asleep, uncoordinated and weak. I started to experience some panic as I realized that I was probably having or had a stroke. Keeping my fear under control, we drove off to Emergency in my daughter Amber Rose’s car. A stressed out Emergency Room doc decided not apply clot busting tPA as it was uncertain when the attack actually began; I was left to ride out the storm. Later, the MRI confirmed that I had a minor ischemic stroke in my left thalamus. In addition to my right side, my speech was also affected. 24 hours later I signed myself out to start out on the road to recovery, literally and figuratively with my dedicated wife Jean Marie driving me 400+ miles to the Kaiser Foundation Rehabilitation Center in Vallejo (to which she had miraculously gotten me admitted into). What I shortly discovered was that my old life was gone… history… unceremoniously and rudely severed. I only had a new, undiscovered life… it existed in the present and its future was unmapped.

The time from the blow of the stroke to the time I checked into rehab, about 2 ½ days, was intense. I was pretty much knocked down for the count. My entire right side was comprised, energy drained, and speech slurred. I felt like total shit, partly because my extreme hypertension was “permitted” to lessen the chance of another stroke. Every simple act took extreme effort. Although my body was devastated, my mind and spirit were not. I had the strong support of my wife Jean Marie during the crisis. I also had a substantial knowledge of neural plasticity (more on this in future posts) from being a student and practitioner of the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza. The latest research in neural science underpins his working model of human potential (condensed in his “how to” book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself). So I had engrained knowledge and evidence that the human brain could rewire itself and adapt; that this is what it does naturally. I listened inside myself and what I heard was “You’re going to be OK.” In the hospital, I accepted my situation, began to look ahead, and started to focus on my healing.

The week in rehab jump started my physical recovery. Daily PT, OT and Speech Therapy did a lot for my body and brain. Being able to get right to work on recovery calmed me emotionally and gave me a sense of empowerment. The blood pressure med lowered and stabilized my blood pressure; I started to feel better. It was also a Godsend in terms of giving my wife a break; she was exhausted from taking control of the situation, dealing with hospitals, lack of sleep and a marathon drive.

As I started to feel better and lay resting in my rehab hospital bed, I began to take inventory of how the stroke suddenly changed my life. I realized that I was abruptly knocked off the treadmill of my life, completely blindsided. More profoundly, I realized how lucky I was to be alive and that the stroke was not more severe. The effect of this “brush with death” was to make each day more consciously precious. I found myself looking at things that I was too busy to pay attention to or ignored. Stroke touched every aspect of my life, I began looking at how. Moreover, I explored how I was going to live life in a way that was more meaningful and full of purpose. This has been the greatest gift, a true blessing: the proverbial “wake-up call” followed by a “new lease on life” and “living each day to the fullest”.

If some of you are probably starting to think “He’s sounding like he’s from Northern California and one of those New Age types.” And you’d be right. I went to college and majored in Psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz in the late seventies and have been continually exposed to wide range of psychology, philosophy, spirituality and science related to human evolution. Those were and continue to inform my life. Mostly, a saint from India guides my life: Paramahansa Yogananda, best known for his classic Autobiography of a Yogi. Since I am married and have a kid in college, a lot of life has also been spent dealing with day-to-day practical realities like working hard, being a Husband and Father, keeping a house, and paying the bills.

I am providing this background so that you have a greater context to one way my mind shifted, which was another blessing. I had a full life based on doing and my identity was tied up in what I did. Well, I could no longer work, walk normally, drive, multi-task (not that I was ever very good at this) focus and attend for long periods (again, not that I was ever very good at this), etc. When my former identity with the external was vaporized (even though I knew my condition was temporary), I was forced to turn inward to address the question “Who am?”. This inquiry changed and is changing many aspects of my life for the better. I realized what was going on in my mind was more important than what going on “out there”. I recently watched an interview with Ram Dass, spiritual icon of Be Here Now and Timothy Leary fame in which he talks about a similar blessing in the aftermath of his devastating stroke . While Eastern spirituality teachings speaks to our True Self not having anything to do with what’s “out there”, a stroke makes that plainly and painfully evident in the trauma of the experience. Ram Dass called it “Fierce Grace”.

Out of the fire of this Fierce Grace, I resolved not only to rewire my brain to recover function, but also to use the opportunity to rewire my life… I became determined to come out better in all ways that mattered. The most dramatic example is probably the first decision I made in rehab: I resigned from my position. Although my tech employer was willing to provide Medical Leave, I informed my boss that I was heading in a different direction and that the team should go forward without me. It was really somewhat of a “no-brainer”… I was previously greatly ambivalent about my position as a “Business Development professional”, but now it was clear as a cloudless, vista view. That job was not who I am nor was it part of who I wanted to be. The nagging, minor detail of what I was going to do instead was missing, but I was confident that would come in time. I was going to reinvent myself from the inside out.